Dona's Blog

One

Six months after Dona died, I got a new primary care doctor.  During the initial intake exam and interview – that time when the doc gathers your medical history with head down keying in info – I told him, when prompted about ‘relational status’, that my wife had died.  He stopped typing and looked at me for a full 10 seconds, saying nothing but with a face that showed such compassion and empathy that even now I have a lump in my throat just remembering that ‘connection’.

Two

“You are right, you have told that before, but that is such a sweet story about Dona that I was quite happy to hear it again.”

– Greg McClain

We, the bereaved, want to talk about our spouse.  But we worry that we are repeating ourselves and boring our listeners.  After talking about Dona, I asked Greg whether he had heard that story before.  What a sensitive, affirming response from my daughter’s father-in-law.

Three

“When two people fall in love at least one will have their heart broken.  It may be from separation or death, but it is what we sign up for.  Love is life.”

– David Eley 

Pardon the self-promotion.  I said this to Dona when she knew death was near and worried about me.  It both saddened and comforted her.  She often repeated this right up to the end.

Four

“You were robbed.” 

– Gail Schlosser

It was helpful for this pastor and close friend of Dona’s to tell me, “Although I appreciate that you can believe that other people have lost more, and that you are grateful for the life you had with Dona, you were still robbed.  Robbed of many more years together, serving together, and experiencing life together.”

Am I grateful for the life I had with Dona?  Of course.  Gail helped me see that I was over-emphasizing gratitude at the cost of not fully facing my pain.  It was time to scale back the “stiff upper lip” and perhaps even complain to God.  (For helpful advice on lament, see Carolyn Madanat’s reflections in a previous post.)

Five

Making offers that require a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’.

In the days before and after Dona’s death, friends would tell me, “Let me know if you need anything.”  These were sincere offers.  They would have given me the shirt off their back if I asked.  I appreciated their concern.  However, like most guys, maybe even gals, I didn’t know what I needed and likely would not ask if I knew.  What I needed was yes or no offers:

“I am bringing chicken parm over at 4 pm.  Yes, or no?”

“We have dinner reservations for Tuesday at 6 pm.  Please join us.  Yes, or no?”

The week after Dona passed my brother-in-law told me he had booked an October hiking trip for us in the canyons of Utah.

At the reception after Dona’s memorial service a friend approached me and said,

“David, I’m so sorry……..now, would you be able to be my partner in the Thursday men’s golf league?”

Too fast?  Not for me.  Suddenly I had a vision of my future.  Well, at least what my Thursdays and the upcoming October would look like.