Why should I blog? I have said that I blog because it is therapeutic- True. I have said that I blog because it is a distraction; a way to get outside of myself and reflect from a more detached perspective- Also true. But I think the main reason I blog is to hold myself accountable to the reflections and perspectives that I have written down and made public. Rereading my posts I realize that I occasionally have a need to preach to the choir – a one person choir. I can see what begins to happen when expectations are not fulfilled. “Shouldn’t I be having less pain and more energy three weeks post-surgery? What’s going on? No one told me that I would feel this lousy. After all I’m only two weeks from starting chemo which is more and longer-lousy according to general opinion.”
Neurobiology helps me understand what’s going on. Serotonin, one of our brains “feel-good neurotransmitters” is working overtime to contribute to the healing of an injured body; but that means less serotonin to help out with positive mood regulation.
There is also the difficulty of separating out emotional responses from spiritual truths. There have been signs along the way to assure me that God is with me (coincidences?) but how quickly those begin to feel less meaningful when the pain continues and is accompanied by lack of energy or sleep. Seeing myself cranky with husband, “David extraordinaire”, is disquieting and unfair to him. At least it gives me practice saying two spiritually important words in life: “I’m sorry.”
There is also the matter of feeling grateful for the instances of good news along the way and the overabundance of loving encouragement from so many. I love the gratefulness that comes in emotional waves of misty eyed undeserved appreciation.
But there are those times of feeling grateful and remembering God’s comforting presence that are experienced more like a tight grip on a lifesaving ring.
Oh, what fickle creatures we are (I am)! But I’m not going to beat up myself too much. Here’s an interesting verse to help me through these less-than-perfect behaved and felt times: “If we are faithless He remains faithful for He cannot deny himself.” 2 Timothy 2:13
post script: next blog to be more upbeat and coming soon- I am a- feelin’ it!