In this post I want to speak to the pluses and minuses of being bald. I’m serious….not tongue-in-cheek, or just funny or sarcastic. I have come to see some real advantages about being bald.
1. You feel squeaky clean after a quick shower.
2. Your head dries within seconds – no blow drying, no nothing – just you and your natural born head.
3. You never have a bad hair day.
4. If you ever get head lice it will be easy to get rid of.
5. You get to reinvent yourself with the many wigs that you have conned from the American Cancer Society. (Not really a con; it is just a matter of going to all the different ACS sites and asking for your one free wig. They don’t care that you got one at another location. Thank you, ACS.)
6. Friends give you gifts. Some are beautiful scarves that you can wrap your head in different styles: African, Gypsy, Egyptian. Again you’re reinventing yourself.
You know how our mothers always told us to make sure we had clean underwear on in case we were in an accident and had to be taken to the hospital? Well I’ve got another one for you ladies: always make sure you have on 24-hour stay lipstick and earrings..
True story: In an earlier post I mentioned that I passed out at the oncology clinic due to fever and infection; an episode that required the hospital’s rapid response team to be summoned. Once they were reassured I was no longer in crisis they started talking to me. Let me rephrase that. They started talking about me. At that point I was slowing regaining consciousness. I could hear and understand but I just could not summon the strength to open my eyes.. I heard one responder say, “Look at her she still has her lipstick on!” At that moment I knew something critical had to be said whether my eyes were open or not. So I said, “By the time I have my eyes open I expect all of you that are surrounding me to have your lipstick on.” (I desrved that.) They laughed and said that Ralph only wore his at night. (Ralph had to have been a medical student.) See ladies, clean underwear won’t generate admiration or laughs. Wearing clean underwear is just doing your duty. Wearing 24-hour lipstick is above and beyond.
Positives of baldness continued……
6. When you want your husband to feel sorrier for you than you deserve you can walk around the house bald or with an unflattering scalp cap; looking very pitiful without your lipstick or earrings. It might get you a back rub or yet another glass of lemonade. But don’t overdo this, it will backfire. One time after being particularly demanding my husband looked at me in my scalp cap and said, “You look and act like you are in the mujahedeen!”
7. When you finally decide to spruce it up a bit you get more than your share of compliments from your husband. He really means it because he’s really relieved!
Did you notice that I didn’t mention a single negative? There is one big one:
You cannot ride in a convertible. If you ride in a convertible you wig will invariably fly off once the car attains a speed of 45 miles an hour. It is likely your friends will be videotaping you when this happens. The video will be uploaded and go viral within minutes. This is subject to YouTube embarrassment and notoriety worldwide. I know this to be true because I know of it happening to at least one other woman.
So I’ll close with a link to the Church Lady’s Wig Flies Off. I have watched this YouTube a dozen times. I love this woman and I love her family and you’ll see why. Listen carefully for some few keywords. She explains what a “Treacher” is. Listen for the word, “road kill”. Watch the the expression on her daughter’s (the driver’s) face. Listen to the teasing of the other daughters that are on and off-camera. And finally listen for the expression that I could have said, “at least you wearing your lip stick!”
Please weigh in on this topic of plusses of baldness in the comment section. No negatives please.
Some illustrations from my own creative hand to amuse and educate: remember you are reinventing yourself.