I Corinthians 15:19:  If Christ is our hope in this life only, we deserve more pity than any other people.

Without fail chemo infusion days bring encounters with people that go beyond the friendly chit chat.  I hear stories that cause me to think, pray and wonder on a deeper level.  Thursday was no exception.

The story:

While waiting for the pre-infusion check-in with my oncologist I was approached by an engaging woman. She had just finished her routine mammogram.  Cancer free since 1999!

As an aside; it is refreshing news to hear such a thing because typically I meet people who are dealing with reoccurrences which tend to unnerve me. David helps me put these encounters in perspective. “Dona, you are in a cancer institute where people are here for cancer treatment of all varieties and reoccurrences. The others who have been cured or in long term remission are in Starbucks having lattés with friends”. (Fair enough).

Back to the story:

The stranger approached me smiling and said, “I noticed you because you seem to be so upbeat and light filled and I just had to meet you.”  I returned the compliment genuinely and she told me her excitement to be cancer-free for so long and then surprised me with a discussion of hope.  She handed me a pamphlet and card with her name on it. It wasn’t what I expected because as she gave me the pamphlet she said, “I am not a proselytizer but I have experienced the benefits of chanting through a particular Buddhist sect’s practice. It is all explained in the brochure and if you have any questions please feel free to call me.”  She went on to explain that chanting in this way can even change things on a cellular level.  I thanked her because I realized this came out of a genuine liking and concern of me. But I told her that I was receiving therapeutic benefits from blogging through the lens of my Christian faith and gave her the address of my blog and invited her to read it.  I hope she does and I hope she’s in no way offended in reading this post.

Another aside: David wanted to weigh in on this discussion so offered his experience of “chanting” to our new acquaintance.  I quote him, “I did something like chanting when my wife was being diagnosed and I felt helpless and too anxious to even pray. All I could manage was to say, aloud when alone or silently to myself when in public, ‘God is my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.’  I said it over and over again and it helped.”

I am not sure this was the kind of “ chanting”  she  was referencing but I admired David’s transparency and humility as he described the importance of quoting a piece of scripture over and over again as a way of drawing comfort.

Spiritual insight on the nature of Hope:

It seemed that hope for my new friendly acquaintance was related to the benefits that her spiritual practice could give her in this life. To quote the pamphlet, “we believe that happiness is being able to experience profound joy that comes from never being defeated by any problems in life,” and “We have the power to take charge of our own destiny.”  Perhaps she also believes as many Buddhists do that there is the hope of a progressive awareness of reaching nirvana where all desire, and attachment is absorbed into the universal life force of all things absent of any individuality. “This kind of chanting practice gives hope”, she reiterated.

It struck me that the Christian hope has a lot to do with this life but ultimately because it is part and parcel of a tangible, transformative, redemptive eternal life.  Distinct personal beings like a “real distinct you” and a “real distinct me” are transformed and in communion with a tangible God in His trinity with absolutely no loss of our distinctive selves. I want this kind of hope- A hope that goes beyond this life. Because whatever spiritual practice we do or whatever medical intervention helps us we will all eventually die. We do not possess ultimate power to stop certain forces at work that threaten to undo us. But we can rely with hope on the One who holds all things in his Hand and whose purposes though inscrutable at times are at the same time meant for our good.  So, why not really hope big. Hope with a capital H that carries us into an eternal glorious future while we wait out patiently the infinite glory of God to be revealed in us and in this world and the world to come.

1 Peter 1:3-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade-kept in heaven for you

Postscript:  Goldie Eley, David’s 90 year old mother, departed this life on May 21^st. She collapsed from congested heart failure walking back to her home from a bible study a 100 yards from her home. Her Glorious Hope is now being realized.

 

Post-Traumatic Stress and the Blame Game

As a trained critical incident stress management debrief-er, I know something of “the could-of’s, would- of’s, should- of’s” that are recited, ruminated, or replayed by victims of trauma (a natural response after a traumatic incident).  Being diagnosed with a life threatening disease is considered a traumatic incident as is a host of others.  Very few of us will escape this world without experiencing or witnessing a trauma.  Helplessness and fear will come uninvited and we will be unhinged for a period of time.  Although experiencing or witnessing trauma is all too common in our world, the severity or duration of the symptoms is very individualistic.

I was in the chemo infusion reception area with call beeper in hand when I struck up a conversation with a young woman.  The young are a particularly disconcerting sight in this area of the hospital so I was drawn to her.  Without probing she volunteered that starting 5 years ago she was diagnosed and treated for thyroid cancer, then breast cancer and now lymphoma.  She talked for a while and just as my beeper went off she said,

“I can’t stop blaming myself because I smoked. I quit 7 years before being diagnosed with thyroid cancer but I can’t stop thinking how I should have never smoked at all.” 

In other words, she shouldn’t have done something but she did it anyway. If she had only known what the ramifications would be she would have done something differently to keep herself from this situation.  She believed that she could have prevented her illness.  So, she has herself to blame and that torments her.

I had only moments as I was preparing to leave for my first infusion.  I essentially told her what I just told you in the first paragraph.  She thanked me.  Who knows what relief, if any, was given.  I would have liked to have talked to her more.

Having received a life threatening diagnosis myself I am no stranger to the “would of, could of, should of’s”.  I unscientifically ruled out a genetic cause of my cancer. My 88-year old mother and care giver to my 91-year old father is as sturdy and illness-free a woman as you will meet.  So, having ruled out genetics, I thought of ways to blame myself for my diagnosis.  I began to think of all the things I should have done differently or would have done instead. The internal dialogue went like this:

“Maybe I should have eaten more organic foods or at least done a better job of washing the vegetables before consuming them. I should have not had a glass of red wine with dinner (some links to breast cancer in recent studies) or maybe I could have managed my life better so there would have been less stress from worrying about the family from which I lived so far away. Oh, and let me not forget the insomnia that I tried to manage on my own for 8 years before getting help. or the virtually forgotten phrase, “taking a vacation”. I should have, could have, or would have done something differently if I had only known that stress “might” tip my cancer fighting properties to exhaustion and make its break through.”

 “The would-of, could-of, should-of’s” are Useless……….or are they???????

….after all there are some very definite links to cancer from our behaviors. Smoking leads to lung cancer. Alcohol abuse can lead to liver cancer and there are other harmful consequences to our behaviors that are not directly linked to cancer but to other human ailments.  We are warned about these woes because the science is clear but many of us take our chances, especially when young and our mortality is irrelevant in eking out the best and happiest existence we can for ourselves.  I personally may not have done those particular abuses but I have done other things along the way that I thought little of.  My faith teaches me that there is an operating function in my soul that demands gratification or at least having it my way without the restriction of healthy boundaries or unwanted consequences.

Galatians 5:17 in the New Testament says.  “What my corrupt nature wants is contrary to what my spiritual nature wants, and what my spiritual nature wants is contrary to what my corrupt nature wants. They are opposed to each other. As a result, I don’t always do what I intend to do.”

Copyright © 1995 by God’s Word to the Nations. Used by permission of Baker Publishing

My Christian faith not only gives me the diagnosis of the human condition but also insights and helps to deal with “the would-of, could-of, should-of’s”, when they come to accuse me after a trauma or bad news

First:   I need to admit the possibility that some of my suffering (I am not only speaking of cancer when I reference suffering or trauma) may be my fault.   As one friend said long ago, “there ought to be a support group for people who have no one to blame but themselves.”  If we are honest all of us would be right at home in one of those support groups from time to time.  But thankfully I am not left waddling in the miry clay of self-blame. No, in this grand cosmic meaning of life that I cling to accepting blame is not so demoralizing and debilitating if I accept the truth of God’s ready and willing forgiveness held out to me even when I don’t deserve it.  This is the heart of God for me and for you.

Two:    I try not to let the blame game distract me from a possible more important issue for which God is attempting to get my attention. Hyper-focusing on the current dilemma can be too narrowing a view of myself, creating a tunnel vision that precludes more expansive, reflective soul searching – reflection that could lead to depth of understanding that actually strengthens and enriches the fabric of life.

Three:  Sometimes there is no personal fault in suffering or even deeper meaning to be found.  We live in a broken world and that brokenness sometimes sweeps us up. My infinite God has not chosen to reveal all there is about himself and his purposes to my finite reasoning. But one thing I lay hold of is that I worship a suffering God.  The late John Stott wrote in his book “Evangelical Essentials” that he could not worship a God who had not suffered in the midst of all the suffering to which humanity is subjected.

So what is my take home? 

When the “would-of’s, could-of’s, should-of’s” accompany pain and suffering I will rely (I hope, I hope!) on trusting God for forgiveness and grace when it my fault.  When personal fault is not found then I will trust (please Lord make this so!) in the inexplicable mystery of Jesus for redemption now and forever and trust Him for healing, maybe now, but definitely forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the last 20 years David and I test each other on remembering what we did to celebrate each and every one of our anniversaries.  We run into confusion and memory loss for about 15 of them as we are not a couple that has intentionally made anniversaries much more than a short excursion or a dinner out.

Yesterday we celebrated our 35^th and unless we both end up with dementia we won’t forget it.  No special excursion unless a day at the cancer institute counts and no special jewelry to commemorate our 35^th unless a med port ring surgically placed in the chest wall counts.  David will remember our 35^th because of the added bonus of suffering through a cracked rib from a fall a several days before in Florida (one day into a 5-day trip meant to give us a break before chemo therapy started).

The traditional wedding symbol for the 35^th anniversary is coral.   According to Wikipedia, “This is because coral organisms grow close together just like a good marriage, built and developed over many years.”

Is it simply the passing of time that builds a good marriage – ticking off years until you reach 25, 30, or 35 then “voila”, there you have it, a good marriage?  Or, is it something else that can’t be measured in years?

David and I have a good marriage so far.  I don’t think you can rest on your yearly laurels. “For better or worse and in sickness and in health,” a promise we made 35 years ago is currently being played out by a serious disease.  How it all ends – not just this sickness part but other parts as well – are still to be tested. We have had other sicknesses and a few heart aches and disappointments thrown to connect us to the rest of the married world.  The union of two becoming one certainly doesn’t negate the two unique personalities brought to the union each with there weaknesses and strengths. Marriage uncovers personality traits neither partner were aware of prior to the promised commitment to faithfulness, cheerleading, and fun.   For example, and I will mention only my foibles, I did not know that I could be critical, defensive, or even irritable until I was married for a while.  Now, it’s not all bad as certain character strengths have had a chance to express themselves to my surprise as well.    All in all, marriage has provided many blessings – but especially a journey into humility (having children is the other road to humility).

I am married to my best friend as it turns out and the following lines from the 2004 movie, “Shall We Dance” spoken by Susan Sarandon, the wife character, expresses this sentiment:

“We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet… I mean, what does anyone’s life really mean?[1]  But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things… all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’.”

Timothy Keller writes in his book, The Meaning of Marriage, “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.  It is what we need more than anything.  It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

So, about two weeks from now I will ask the person I trust the most to do me the honor of shaving my head.  It was my hair that David says that initially attracted him to me over 35 years ago and it will be shaving that hair off that will make the decision I made 35 years ago to marry him the best one of my life.

Footnote 1: The quote by the character played by Susan Sarandon, “what does anyone’s life really mean?” is a rhetorical question that compels me to comment. Each individual life, married or not, means a lot to the One who is the ultimate witness to our lives.  He witnesses and marvels at every aspect of our short mundane lives with all its suffering and joys. I know that everyone does not share this belief and certainly not a secular world that sees Christianity as a crutch for “the infantile” (Richard Dawkins). Yes, a crutch indeed.  A crutch that someday will be thrown away at the restoration of all things.

Some of you dear readers are now at risk of being offended. You will recognize yourself in this post. But remember “teasing can be a sign of affection.”  I heard this somewhere years ago and found it comforting as I am married to someone who teases his wife as a life calling. There have been times he has regretted that calling.

Since my cancer diagnosis I have received encouragement from all of you.  How do I know it is ALL of you? Simple…you are reading my blog at this moment and you have gotten this far without clicking away.

There are some however, who are incapable of reading my blog but have greatly encouraged me.  I am a grandmother. (“Uh-Oh”, you are thinking.)

If you tire of “granny gush” skip this part.  I am afraid if you don’t then I will be accused of the following:

Ok, where was I? Oh yes, grandchildren:  there is 4 year old Marlon who when he  first time he saw me after the mastectomy asked straight away, “Are Your lymph nodes recovered yet, Nonna?” rather prophetic if you ask me as it had not been yet explained to me that the real discomfort was not going to be the mastectomy, per se, but the lymph node removal surgical part. How did he know that?  Gifted? Of course!

And then there is 10 month old Desmond who said to me just yesterday, and I quote, “Nonna, I love you so much and I am hoping that you will not only have a full recovery from this battle with cancer but that you will come out of it a stronger and better person!” 10 months old! Amazing, right?  No, just gifted.

Ok, I’m done with grandma references.

Now for some of the quirkiest encouragements I have gotten so far:

Let’s start with Nick, David’s Sicilian barber for the last several years. I don’t know what was funnier, David setting up the scene with the accent in tow or the actual “sort of” encouraging advice.  Apparently Nick was so moved by what he was hearing about me (his wife had cancer several years ago, as well) that he put the clippers down so he could put his hands on David’s shoulders.  Looking at David through the mirror he said passionately (try to imagine a Don Corleone accent).

“You-uh tell-uh Dona like I-uh told-uh my wife. You-uh stay-uh alive, You-uh stay-uh healthy, You-uh stay-uh upbeat!  Not-uh just-uh for yourself, not-uh just-uh for the people who-uh love-uh you, but for the people who-uh hate-uh you. When they-uh see you walking-uh down the side-uh-walk-uh, they-uh say, ‘That-uh woman still around’?!! And when they-uh see you lookin-uh good it will give-uh them-uh a clinch-uh in the gut.”

David, having grown up in the South where niceties are spoken of everyone, sincere or not, was speechless.  Being 100 percent Italian and 50 percent of that being Sicilian I have the right to poke fun and reassure David that as strange as that advice was, it was meant to encourage him and me. This encouragement was validated as very good advice by one of my mother’s Italian friends.

I have received numerous cards, gifts, flowers, emails, texts, books and phone calls to reassure and encourage.  I even had a friend that I had not seen in 10 years from North Carolina that flew in and stayed with me a few days this week (David had to go back to Alaska for a week of work). Nothing but loveliness and sweetness with all the above encouragements. But….

There have been some quirky gifts.  After confronting my friends with “what in the world were you thinking?” They were appalled at the suggestion that they were poking fun at my future chemo haute coiffure but rather remembered how much I loved this particular barbecue sauce at one of the restaurants they recommended in one of their favorite cities in Oregon.  Uh…Huh… Sure.

Another couple sent me some viewing material that I am sure they found in the Wall Mart 1-dollar bin or else quickly became a re-gifted item. What were they thinking?

Then there is the couple that had food therapy suggestions for David to do for me, starting with David learning to prepare cheese cauliflower and hosing me down with an olive oil mist hooked up to the shower nozzle. Again what were they thinking?!?

What is my point?  Encouragements are appreciated in whatever manner they come because they reflect the uniqueness of friends and family empathizing within the universal experience of suffering.  Somehow it makes the suffering less and the gratefulness more. God’s love shines ever more brightly because of all of you.