My wife died: Five ‘Great Reads’ that helped

This may sound trite and irreverent:  ‘Great Reads’ for a devastating loss.  When a ‘Great Reads’ list pops up on my Kindle it lists books selected to amuse and entertain.  But ‘great’ is defined as “remarkable in magnitude, degree, or effectiveness.”  (Merrium-Webster)  And that what is great can comfort, enlighten and even transform.  I have groped about for all those in my year of grief.

So here is my list of books and articles, great reads I have turned to again and again for comfort and reassurance.  I would be grateful if you could share what has helped you.

Top choice:

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 inscribed on a memorial adjacent Dona’s grave.

1 Corinthians 15 – simply the best encouragement

Paul reminds us, “if only in this life we have hope in Christ we of all people are to be most pitied.”

(I also read 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 every time I visit my wife’s grave.  The entire passage is inscribed on a family tombstone a few feet from Dona’s gravesite.) “Therefore, comfort each other with these words.”

Close second:

Things Unseen, Mark Buchanan

A book about the “hope of heaven that inspires and sustains passion and purpose in this life and on earth.  It’s about learning how to bring heaven near – fixing our hearts and minds on things unseen.”  (2 Cor 4:18)

This Canadian pastor has not written a dense theology book.  Quite readable with tons of touching stories and even help from scenes in one of my favorite movies, The Karate Kid.  I have a friend who lost a child at 18 months.  He read Things Unseen in two days.

Third choice:

Walking with God Through Pain and Suffering, Tim Keller

Theology, but explained in a way that only Keller could.  (He died of pancreatic cancer in 2023.)  I read a chapter a day to my wife when she was going through chemo.

Fourth Place: Three short reads

What Will Heaven Be Like? Thirty-five frequently asked questions about eternity.

PETER KREEFT, Article in Christianity Today 

Tim Keller: Growing My Faith in the Face of Death – The Atlantic
https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/03/tim-keller-growing-my-faith-face-death/618219/

See CS Lewis’s chapter on Heaven in his book, The Problem of Pain.  Also, Lewis’ journal account, A Grief Observed, about the death of his wife is quite helpful.  Initially, he refused to publish it, given that the first third was so raw and despairing.  (He called it a ‘yell’.) But, like many of the Psalmists, he works through his anger, grief, and fear towards gratitude for Christ.

Finally……

Pardon my shameless promotion but my wife’s blog posts – her thoughts about her terminal illness – helped me.  This is Mortality, this is Eternity – Dona’s Blog (donaeley.blog)

Best poem for sorrow and grief: 

A Brief for the Defense by Jack Gilbert

Best sentimental novel:

To Dance with the White Dog by Terry Kay

An old man loses his cherished wife and has only hand-wringing daughters for comfort. (I note that my daughters are anything but.) Then a mysterious white dog shows up.

My wife died: 5 quotes about pain and regret that helped

Note:

Dona passed away a year ago this month. Many times, I have opened the laptop to write a blog entry, hoping to honor her memory, not to mention the effort she put into this blog, and to share something that might help the bereaved. But all my reflections seemed like way too much navel gazing, self-centered self-expression too personal to be used by others. So, I’m taking another approach. I intend to capture what other people have said, or written, that helped me these past 12 months of grief.  For the next several posts, I list my top five quotes about various aspects of the grief journey that were in some ways healing. Please share your own in the comment section. 

One

Is there any phrase more useless than, ‘If only?’

– Anonymous

Two

It is what it is.

The dozen members of my bereavement group all agreed that this was a helpful statement.  What does it mean for the widowed?  Face the circumstances and your loss head on.

Three

Unlike some faith traditions, or the Greek Stoics, Christianity finds nothing particularly noble about suffering – it should not be welcomed.  Yet, unlike secularism, Christianity teaches that suffering can be meaningful…… Keller (1)

Difficult times loosen my tie to this world and bring me closer to the Lord.  Only suffering can pry me from this world and its pleasures.  Moo (2)

However, and………………..

Four

It struck me that the Christian hope has a lot to do with this life but ultimately because it is part and parcel of a tangible, transformative, redemptive eternal life.  Distinct personal beings like a “real distinct you” and a “real distinct me” are transformed and in communion with a tangible God in His trinity with absolutely no loss of our distinctive selves. I want this kind of hope- A hope that goes beyond this life. Because whatever spiritual practice we do or whatever medical intervention helps us we will all eventually die. We do not possess ultimate power to stop certain forces at work that threaten to undo us. But we can rely with hope on the One who holds all things in his Hand and whose purposes though inscrutable at times are at the same time meant for our good.  So, why not really hope big. Hope with a capital H that carries us into an eternal glorious future while we wait out patiently the infinite glory of God to be revealed in us and in this world and the world to come.

– Dona Eley  See The Friendly Chanter – Dona’s Blog (donaeley.blog)

Five

Dona Eley (July 2020)

I am reminded that we live in a fallen world where sickness and tragedy hit so many with far more intense and terrifying force than anything I will ever experience. And many, many will experience that hardship with far less support and love than I am receiving.  And if it has anything to do with who is deserving of good fortune well count me out for I have already had more than my share.  So, here is what I believe from the scriptures which life seems to accurately validate: “The rain falls on the just and the unjust” (Matthew 5:45) and so does the drought.  The promise we have is that Jesus is with us through it all. I don’t want to come across super spiritual or strong because I am not naive. This will be a journey with pain and discouragement that will possibly provoke reactions that I will be less than proud of. But for today I am going to go with gratefulness for the prayers and love from others and “God’s peace that transcends all understanding” (Phil. 4:7).

For 8 long years of aggressive cancer treatment Dona clung to this great truth and this great Hope; a hope in a particular truth that has sustained so many in this tough, beautiful world.

(1) Keller, Timothy (2016) Making Sense of God, p.74

(2) Moo, Douglas (2000) The NIV Application Commentary: Romans (see commentary on Romans 5:3-5)